i am disgusting

This is going to sound so stupid...

There's this guy
who's pretty much my best friend,
and I totally love him...
But I'm really confused about what kind of love.
I don't want to be his girlfriend... That just didn't feel right.
But now that we aren't dating, we always find ourselves cuddling or kissing,
and I find it totally illogical.
So tonight he tells me he was playing truth or dare with these two girls
and apparently there was "showing of certain parts" and touching and making out.
I am fucking jealous.
Jealous to the point of tears...
WTF?!

How could that reaction possibly make sense?
WTF?!
Maybe this is the desolate part of my heart speaking-
I'm just being stupid.
He likes me and I take advantage of that,
because I'm fucking lonely and I am not at all satisfied with myself alone.
God I am such a fucking whore!!

Why does this bother me so much??...
Maybe it's because he's the most serious boyfriend I've had.
Maybe 'cause of my own selfish insecurities.
Someone help me.
This is ridiculous!